Romance is Dead signed paperback (pre-order)

Bess

The gallery phone chirps. I can see from the caller identity it's the library.

There's only one person who can be calling The Port Derrum Gallery and Tea Shoppe from the library and only one reason. It's the moment I've been waiting for.

I run through the wide arch in the wall that joins the gallery to the café. "Lutek," I hiss at the man behind the counter in order to engender a sense of urgency in a way that doesn't interrupt the customer's morning tea, like shouting at him might.

I swipe open my phone and locate the TikTok app before handing it to him. "We're on."

I scurry back behind the gallery desk and assume my pose. Picking up Pictures of Us by Selena MacBride, I open it to a random page and read.

Not waiting to check if Lutek has got his shit together and is filming – because Lutek has worked for me for nearly a year and if he knows what's best for him, he will absolutely have his shit together – I click my tongue and growl, place the book, cover up, on the counter and pick up the ringing phone.

"Yup?" I say with a touch of feigned impatience, but also with a hint of grandiosity, because I am the heroine in whatever drama is about to unfold.

I push the speaker button as Mistral from the Port Derrum library says. "Bess? It's Mistral. From the library. Okay, so there's two teenagers making out on the beanbags in the children's area? Ed's not here and I've tried to talk to them, but they don't seem to be able to hear me above their lip smacking. Story Time's in ten minutes. Do you think you can –"

"Yes." I replace the phone in its cradle and bend to retrieve the pump action water pistol stashed under my desk. I give it a shake to test I reloaded it after the last library dry humping incident, then I stride out of the gallery and across the road, Lutek scuttling after me.

"Mind the books," calls Mistral from behind the issues desk as I march past.

I don't need to mind the books. I am a crack markswoman and have never sustained a single occurrence of collateral damage since I acquired my Fast-Fill Soak Shot 5000 two years ago.

I pump the gun as I walk past the newspaper section and an elderly man looks up at me from the classifieds. His eyes bulge and his bottom lip drops away from his top one. It's video gold and I hope to God Lutek has caught it on camera.

The teenagers are pressed into a blue beanbag and are doing a good job of testing the structural integrity of its seams.

I take aim at their heads and wait for them to come up for air.

Then I take no mercy.

My first blast gets the boy in the eyeball and he jerks his head backwards, extracting a hand from under the girl's shirt to intercept the stream of water.

I swivel and aim for the girl's hair, which gives the boy time to gather his vocal chords.

Before he can shout anything that might offend the sensibilities of the other library users, I discharge a burst into
his open mouth.

He chokes and splutters.

The girl holds her hands up in surrender.

It's my line.

"Get," I growl and flick my head towards the door behind me.

On my way out, I wink at Mistral standing at the issues desk.

The video has over a million views in the first hour.

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ISBN: 9781991181497

ASIN: 1991181493

Copyright: Merren Tait 2025